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Thread: Polar Bear.....

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    Default Polar Bear.....

    A Polar bear walks into a restaurant in Churchill and says to the waiter, "I'll have a seal steak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and a side order of lemmings."

    The waiter says...."What's with the big pause?"

    The bear replies, "I don't know... but my father had them, too!"



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    "Every action of our lives touches on
    some chord that will vibrate in eternity"

    Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    A giraffe, a horse and an aardvark walk into a bar. Barman says "Ayup lads, why the long faces?"

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    I walked into a bar and I was followed by a penguin.

    The barman told me "you cant bring that in here, you need to take it to the zoo"

    I went back to the same bar the next day with the penguin.

    "Whats with the penguin? I told you to take it to the zoo!". The barman barked at me.

    ''I did take him to the zoo. " I replied.. ''We enjoyed ourselves so much, so we are going to the funfair tomorrow"...

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    Quote Originally Posted by sk8r View Post
    A Polar bear walks into a restaurant in Churchill and says to the waiter, "I'll have a seal steak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and a side order of lemmings."

    The waiter says...."What's with the big pause?"

    The bear replies, "I don't know... but my father had them, too!"


    On a more serious note.. Polar Bears - Nasty suckers!... I was in gathering fungus pics the other day.. I wished I had a certain .308'' with me...



    I managed to get the photo. Then I battered the mother to death with a small border spade and scared the others off by throwing Yankee Candles at them.. The stench of them candles would stop a charging badger I tell you! This all happened in my local garden centre... So beware!

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    A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "we have a whiskey named after you"

    The horse replies, "you have a whiskey named Eric ?"
    Death is natures way of telling you to slow down.

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    An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying.

    When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!"

    The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."

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    Quote Originally Posted by sk8r View Post
    An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying.

    When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!"

    The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."


    A man walked into a bar.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    It was an iron bar.

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    How do you catch a polar bear?

    First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
    To Canoe is to be moved!!!

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    What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
    "Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - soft on the inside"
    Paddler,blogger,camper,pyromaniac: Blog: Wilderness is a State of Mind

    Paddle Points - where to paddle

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    One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play.

    Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"
    "Sure, son what is it?"
    "Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
    Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."

    So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
    "Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
    Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."

    Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....
    "Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
    "Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"
    Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freezing! "
    Paddler,blogger,camper,pyromaniac: Blog: Wilderness is a State of Mind

    Paddle Points - where to paddle

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    Q: Why are polar bears big, white and furry?
    A: Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirins.
    Paddler,blogger,camper,pyromaniac: Blog: Wilderness is a State of Mind

    Paddle Points - where to paddle

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    Why don't polar bears eat penguins ?






    they can't get the wrappers off.
    Death is natures way of telling you to slow down.

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    Ok folks all you have to do is google " German Jerka zebra herpes " and your imaginations may come up with dozens of jokes suitable for this thread BUT not for this (smut free) forum!

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    A termite walks into a pub and asks "is the bartender here?"
    ___________________________________

    Fredster, also known as The Commodore.

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    Has anyone seen my dog? .....


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    Quote Originally Posted by bonehead59 View Post
    How do you catch a polar bear?

    First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.


    - brill, kept the kids giggling for hours that one.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Falcn View Post
    - brill, kept the kids giggling for hours that one.
    Made me laugh all over again too!!!
    To Canoe is to be moved!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by bonehead59 View Post
    Made me laugh all over again too!!!
    When I posted my stupid 'bear ate my dog pic' which incidently came up in a completely unrelated google image search..honest.. I read your joke again Driz.. Yeah it's a goodun mate!

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    Two goldfish swim into a bar. The barman says..so what's with the long feces?


    Paul
    Just goin with the flow

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    On a different note, a hillbilly is out walking through the woods when a huge bear steps out in front of him and growls. Aware that running is out of the question, the hillbilly growls back.The bear leans to the left, so the hillbilly leans to the left. The bear scratches his nuts so the hillbilly scratches his.


    Then the bear does a crap. The hillbilly says "Barr, i got yew there... I dun that when i fust seed yew!"
    "I intend to live forever. So far, so good..."

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    I know a joke about a parrot and a miserly dwarf, but I'd best not........
    Cheers, Michael.


    Brute Force and Ignorance is Vastly Underrated.

    "There is magic in the feel of a paddle and the movement of a canoe, a magic compounded of distance, adventure, solitude, and peace."
    -Sigurd Olson

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    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
    "Windows frozen, won't open."


    Husband texts back:
    "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."




    Wife texts back five minutes later:
    "Computer really buggered now."

  24. #24
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    Buuuuuuuuump


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    Here comes the future and you can't run from it
    If you've got a blacklist I want to be on it


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    Fair old swim that..

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    Especially managing to to time the swim so that the news could be published on the right day.

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    I've always wondered if polar bears like haggis......

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    Reading my paper this morning I was getting more incredulous at all these 'scientists says' and their even more unlikely claims ....but it wasn't until the bit about bringing in the Monster hunters that I suddenly clicked.

    But the odd walrus has turned up on the coast of UK - so you never know.
    http://www.davidwperry.blogspot.co.uk/

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    "But the odd walrus has turned up on the coast of UK - so you never know."

    The Anthrpological Museum in Aberdeen has an old kayak that was washed up, complete with Inuit hunter, on the coast many years ago.

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    For you anagram spotters,

    "The polar bear, who has been given the name Lirpa Loof, which is Norwegian for ‘white and fluffy’ "

    is a bit of a clue.
    Andrew (R.R.R.)

    ' Pas de leur
    Rhône que nous. '

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    The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."

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    A mild and sensitive single man buys a parrot for company in his lonely home. He brings it home to find that the parrot has the filthiest vocabulary you can imagine. I mean the sort of potty mouth that would impress a sergeant major.

    He tries to teach it new words and phrases, something kind or friendly. The parrot just spews vexatious abuse, swearing so much that the man blushes. He begs the parrot not to swear on a daily basis.

    Eventually, one day, the man has had enough. He threatens the bird, to which the level of abuse and "flavour" of the language only increases.

    The man loses it. He puts the parrot in the kitchen cupboard. The parrot is shouting at the top of it's voice. The man can't take it any longer. He's going insane! He shoves the parrot in the freezer. There's scratching, swearing, wings flapping, then a scream and silence.

    The man waits. He feels awful! Has he killed the poor bird?! In his guilt-induced state he opens the drawer and lifts the wide eyed parrot from the freezer drawer.

    The parrot says "I'm ever so sorry old chap. I won't ever swear again."

    "Good" says the man.

    To which the parrot replies: "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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    An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by achat View Post
    The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
    Quote Originally Posted by meirion View Post
    An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
    Now I get it!

    Looks like achat got banned for that one.

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    Deserves a ban for only telling the punchline of a joke, good riddance.......

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    A genuine Cree Indian joke I was told by a Cree hunter when I was canoeing in Northern Canada a few years ago.

    Two hunters, one an Innuit, the other a Cree.

    Come across some poo on the trail.

    Innuit says I think its dog.
    Cree says no, I think its wolf's poo.

    So innuit gets down and smells it - definitely dog he says.
    Cree gets down picks some up, rubs it between his fingers and says no, it feels like wolf crap.

    Innuit gets down, picks some up and tastes it. Definitely tastes of dog shit.

    "Glad I didn't stand in then", says the Cree hunter.
    http://www.davidwperry.blogspot.co.uk/

  38. #38

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    A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "we have a whiskey named after you"

    The horse replies, "you have a whiskey named Eric ?"

    Death is natures way of telling you to slow down.
    Last edited by online; 6th-June-2018 at 02:17 PM.

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